How to get along with your family when a loved one is dying
Key points:
- When a loved one is dying, families must often make decisions about end of life and care options.
- This can flare up long-brewing family tensions.
- These strategies can help your family work together and focus on what matters most.
As parents grow older or if someone gets sick, families often must make decisions about residential aged care and end-of-life plans. These situations can aggravate underlying family tensions.
We talk to Violet Guide Rose Dillon and Violet Clinical Committee member and palliative care social worker Jo Wood for advice to help you manage tension – for the benefit of your loved one.
Focus on your loved one
Rose notes moving a loved one into care or exploring end-of-life options involves much uncertainty and stress. Your loved one will likely notice tension in the family, she says, which will be very upsetting. “My strongest advice is to remember the most important person in the equation is the person going into RAC or facing the end of their life,” she says. “For their sake, put old wounds aside and try to avoid relationship breakdown.”
Work on positive communication
As Jo points out, “Education, information, and supportive discussion will often ease the anxiety patients and family are feeling, even though the topics being discussed can sometimes be difficult.”
You don’t necessarily have to talk to communicate effectively. Rose started a group email to ensure all her siblings received the same information.
For Debbie, seeing her mother was easier when she took her husband. “Having somebody else there was like a buffer,” she explains. “Mum usually behaved better if another witness was around.”
Organise a family meeting
Another way to facilitate good communication is to have a family meeting with your loved one’s healthcare team, Jo says. They allow you to have complex discussions in a safe environment and can help to resolve misunderstandings. “Most people report feeling more at ease after attending a family meeting because they are aware of what to expect moving forward.
“It also enables the focus to shift towards spending quality time with their loved one. For example, sharing memories, photos, listening to music, creating legacy documents, and even just sitting in the garden together.”
Care for yourself
For Debbie, spending more time with her mother caused various emotions and much stress. She recommends looking after yourself. “You need to draw boundaries. You can try to be as good a daughter as possible, but you also have to protect yourself.
“When I couldn’t deal with it any longer, I’d say, ‘I'm going now, see you later’ and walk out the door.”
Debbie’s self-care included yoga, nature walks and listening to podcasts. She also found it helpful to connect with people in similar circumstances on a Reddit forum. “It had a space to talk to people anonymously who won't judge,” she says. “They're not professionals, but they got where I was coming from and made me feel better.”