The importance of self-belief when caring for an elderly parent
Key points:
- Justin shares his personal story of caring for his elderly father with dementia
- Self-belief was central to giving Justin the courage and will to support his father through the end of his life
- Communication and preparation made honouring his father's wishes much more straightforward
Justin shares his personal story about the impact his confidence played in supporting his elderly father in aged care and also navigating his own feelings.
“Dad was on his way to a doctor’s appointment when he had a fall, and the next minute he was recovering in hospital for the next six months, followed by a one month stint in a rehabilitation hospital”.
“It was there that a team of clinicians announced that he had dementia from his Parkinson’s disease and if the fallout of that diagnosis wasn't hard enough to deal with, suddenly the world flipped on its head with Covid.
“I had to sell Dad’s house during Covid to use the finances to be able to find a suitable aged care centre to support his needs. It was harrowing.”
Conversations That Count
“Seeing my father’s health decline has been hard. He was a lecturer in Psychology at the University of Canberra for many years, before starting his own psychology practice from home.
Witnessing changes in his memory and seeing his inability to make sound judgments and plan the steps needed to complete a task, has been a difficult pill to swallow, especially given his life’s work.”
Through conversations with his Violet Guide Marian, Justin was given much needed practical advice to help him systematically work through all the non-health related scenarios like dealing with finances, funeral planning, and next stages.
“When Justin first called us, he was unsure as to how Violet could support him, and a major concern was his Dad’s isolation due to Covid restrictions.”
“I encouraged Justin to be an advocate for his Dad. Some people are reluctant to speak up, or are unsure how to do it. So I gave him practical steps on what to do by firstly addressing his concerns with the Unit Manager at Goodwin and bringing them into the conversation.
“Having previously worked as a funeral director, we addressed the need to have a plan so that when the time came, their energies weren’t being directed into arranging everything in a hurry, and they could instead begin to process their grief and loss."
Keeping it real
“Our conversation was honest, real and practical, so that Justin was left with tangible ways to make necessary decisions with a bit more confidence that he was on the right path.”
Having the support of Marian gave Justin the time and space to also address the emotional toll of caring and the gravity of having to make decisions on his dad’s behalf.
“I have spent a good deal of my life being surrounded by loved ones with dementia. Dad was the primary carer for many years for my mum who died of Alzheimer's and did an amazing job supporting her to ensure her needs were met. Yet in spite of his own experience with this, Dad had never made arrangements to do his own Advanced Care Plan.
With Dad’s condition, it’s now too late to know his wishes, but having these frank conversations with my guide, gave me a sounding board so that I understood that I am doing my best.
My sister living abroad makes it challenging, however, I am now in a better place to be equipped to face things head-on. It is also comforting to know that I can reach out to my guide in future and that Violet has practical resources available online if I need more information also.”
New learnings
Even though Justin and his Dad had already gone through a similar situation previously, there were still conversations and many new learnings. With the option of access to online self-guided resources or via free one-on-one conversations with a Violet Guide, help is always close at hand.
“A baby grand takes pride of place at Dad’s residential aged care, and despite all his memory loss, Dad will play from time to time and fill the residence with the sounds of Cole Porter and George Gershwin. It’s these precious moments that mean everything to me, and all the frustrations and challenges around his health dissipate, and what we are gifted with is this beautiful moment.”
A guide's advice on things to consider
Here Justin's Guide, Marion shares some of the main considerations in caring for an elderly parent.
You can be better prepared by:
- Knowing your parents' wishes as they approach the end of life.
Assisting them in completing an Advanced Health Directive.
Ensuring they have a current will.
Ensuring they have an Enduring Power of Attorney/s for financial and health matters.
Assisting them in understanding the importance of having all of the above completed before their imminent end of life.
Wishes may include:
- Their preference for being buried or cremated.
What type of funeral they may want.
Where they wish to be buried.
Where they would like their ashes to be kept or scattered.
Where they want to die - home/hospital/hospice.
If a carer can have these in place before making these decisions themselves, it will give them the confidence and self-esteem to know they can see that their parents' wishes are met.